Naso – Parenting

There is a custom to bentch our children on Friday nights when we come home from shul, and the words we use come from ברכת כהנים which we find in this week’s Parsha.

יברכך ה’ וישמרך. יאר ה’ פניו אליך ויחנך. ישא ה’ פניו אליך וישם לך שלום.

May Hashem bless you and guard you. May Hashem light up His face to you and be gracious to you. May Hashem lift His face to you and give you peace.

This is a beautiful מנהג, but the words that we say seem to be very abstract and repetitive. How does Hashem’s face light up? How is Hashem lifting His face to us if He is obviously above us? Why do the 2^nd and 3^rd Pesukim need to be separate, they seem to have very similar ideas?

To help understand this מנהג, I heard a beautiful explanation from Rabbi David Fohrman about how these ideas work in sequence and why we use these words to bentch our children on שבת.

He explains how this is almost like an extremely abridged version of Parenting 101.

The first pasuk tells us how we need to treat our children when they are young:

יברכך ה’ וישמרך

The concept of ברכה always means to multiply and be more. We see by שמיטה that Hashem says that I will connect my ברכה in the 7^th year and there will be enough grain for 3 years. By a סוטה it says she will be blessed if she was innocent, and this blessing is in regard to having children. The numeric value of the root of the word shows this as well, ברך: ב = 2, ר = 200, ך = 20, the letters of the word show duality and multiplicity in all the denominations we have.

This stage of blessing and guarding really begins in the womb, where cells multiply and the child grows at an astronomical rate. In addition, the womb is set up in such a way that the whole purpose is to guard the growth and wellbeing of the child. There is just the right amount if cushion for the unborn child and the body delivers the perfect amount of nutrients to the child. And this continues as the parent’s responsibility for the beginning of the child’s life. Parents must make their child feel larger than life and ensure that they are protected from outside influences and dangers. We must help them expand and find themselves and their place in the world, but at the same time put up safeguards and let them know where their boundaries end. This way they can feel completely safe within those defined boundaries.

The 2^nd Pasuk moves us to the next stage:

יאר ה’ פניו אליך ויחנך

The word חן describes an unconditional love that you can’t control. There are certain experiences that make our faces light up and make us smile. Watching a baby giggle, or wobble around a room. Seeing a child smile only to show gaps where new teeth are growing in, or hearing them enthusiastically tell you about the coolest thing that happened to them. These are precious moments in life and we need to show our children that they make our faces light up whenever we see them. And that they stir up a love inside of us for no reason other than the fact that they are our child.

The 3^rd pasuk describes the hardest yet most rewarding part.

ישא ה’ פניו אליך וישם לך שלום.

When you have successfully done the first two sets of instructions, you come to a place where you have a healthy child, who knows their boundaries and place, who feels loved and special. But by the very fact that you are parent and child you are obviously two separate individuals. And because that is the case, you are both different from one another. And every parent needs to be able to lift up their eyes to their grown child and see eye to eye with them. Respect their individuality and let them be themselves. And only then are you able to give them the greatest gift of all. Peace. Something that is 1 can’t really have peace with itself, that is not true peace. Real peace is when there are 2 separate entities that understand and respect each other’s similarities and differences, and they choose to live in peace with one another and not impose upon the other.

The words גמילת חסד are oxymoronic. חסד is unbounded giving, and גמילה means to wean, which is the exact opposite of giving. But the lesson is right there in the words. We are meant to give in a way that enables others to have the strength and ability to be weaned and set out on their own path. True leaders don’t make followers, they make other leaders.

And I think that the Torah follows these 3 pesukim with the trick on how accomplish all this. Everyone ask the obvious question. We have entire מסכתות of גמרא written on a few lines of the Torah, which shows you how concise and deep each word is. Yet the end of this week’s Parsha when relaying the gifts that each נשיא brought, the Torah repeats itself almost verbatim 12 times! The only difference is their name and their שבט of origin. The message is that when you realize that people’s origins and destinations in life are different then you can see 12 people do the exact same action and still have the ability to see each action in its own light and with its own cosmic effects. With this view of people may we be able to see our children and every person we encounter as the צלם אלקים that they are and help every one of them reach their own personal potential.

Have a wonderful Shabbos!